10 Things You Should Never Say To An Unmarried Woman

Wherever there’s an unmarried woman, you can bet she’s probably heard a few pieces of unsolicited advice about her love life.  For some reason, people love to concern themselves with the married or single status of women. Many people might not realize how inappropriate their comments are. Here are things that single and unmarried women get sick of hearing:

1. “So when is your boyfriend going to propose?”

This is kind of a silly question, is it not? How is she going to know when her guy is going to propose? This might be a question better left for the boyfriend.

2. “You can do better than this, your boyfriend is not exactly marriage material.”

Unless you have dated them yourself, you really don’t know how marriageable someone is. Insulting her boyfriend is also not the brightest thing to do, not to mention distasteful and rude.

3. “You should at least get married before you turn 35.”

Why? Because there’s no one left after that age? Completely untrue. Or is it so she can get married while she’s still “hot enough?”  That’s not shallow at all. A probable major reason marriages fail is because they are rushing into it with the wrong people.

4. “Why can’t you get a man?”

If a woman is single, it doesn’t mean that she can’t get a man. It might just mean that she’s content being without one. Believe it or not, many women prefer to be single.

5. “Don’t move in with him. If you do, he probably won’t marry you.”

There are pros and cons to cohabiting. It comes down to the fact that you know your relationship better than what anyone else is going to try to shove some cherry picked statistic in your face.  They don’t get to decide what’s best for you or whether or not you will get married, fortunately.

6. “Stop giving him the milk for free.”

A person’s sex live is their own private business and it’s not for anyone else to comment on unless otherwise invited. Besides, it’s a little more unrealistic to wait for marriage these days as the average marriage age is increasing.

7. “Either him or you must be afraid of commitment.”

Is it so hard for people to understand that some people just don’t believe in marriage for themselves? Why is it that when someone isn’t married past a certain age or point in their life, there must be something wrong? There’s more to commitment than getting married.

8. “But you deserve to be happy.”

You might want to consider that maybe they are happy. Not every women feels like she needs to be married in order to be a happy and functional human being. Times are changing and more women are learning how to find happiness and fulfillment in other areas of life.

9. “My husband has a single friend you would like.”

Yeah, don’t try to play match maker unless they say it’s okay with them. Otherwise, you are putting them into awkward and uncomfortable situations. Besides, you don’t want to be responsible if it ends up being disastrous.

10. “Aren’t you lonely?”

Many people can be alone without being lonely. And if they are lonely, congratulations, you just made it worse by asking them. You might just be trying to help, but consider how you would feel if you were asked this.

 

notmarried

People who make these comments are often likely not trying to sound rude, but they aren’t probably thinking enough about their comments before they say them.  It’s always good to remember that not everyone wants to live traditionally, and that they can still be happy living life on their own terms.

Battered Spouse Syndrome – Why Victims Don’t Leave

When it comes to the issue of domestic abuse, there seems to be a certain popular opinion that I will often hear, whether it be online or overhearing someone in a conversation while going about my daily business. It usually goes something like,

Yeah that guy is awful for beating on her, but if she’s dumb enough to stay with him, it’s partially her fault.

It’s either that or something to the effect of, “If she was really being abused, she would leave. She hasn’t left, so what does that tell you?”  They try to rationalize why someone in an abusive relationship would not press charges or why they would continue to stay with their abuser, so they will often assume that they are not really being abused, or if they are, they are just being stupid for staying.

What these people don’t understand is the psychological difference between outsiders and victims. To an outsider, it’s a no brainer: If you are being abused, you leave. No excuses. To victims, it’s not that easy. Why? When someone becomes abused in a relationship, they often don’t have the ability to see the reality of the situation. They are often blinded by their emotional attachments to their lover. They often don’t realize that they are being abused until later on, after it has been going on for some time.

Additionally, people who are being abused undergo psychological changes from having their self esteem and confidence damaged. This alters their perception of themselves and the world around them, making them less likely to leave.

Battered spouse syndrome is a constellation of medical and psychological conditions of a person, as a result of repeated violence such as beatings, choking, sexual assault, verbal abuse, or a combination of different acts amounting to violence, at the hands of the spouse or partner. – USLegal.com 

The term is also commonly referred to as Battered Woman’s Syndrome, or Battered Person’s Syndrome, depending on the circumstances. I prefer the gender neutral term since men can be and are victims as well.

BWS has been identified as a subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Although not all battered women meet all the DSM-IV-TR criteria for PTSD, a sufficient number do; thus, a form of trauma treatment is most helpful.  - Psychiatrictimes.com  

As the cycle of abuse continues, the victim falls deeper into a learned mentality of helplessness and hopelessness. They eventually become brainwashed into thinking a combination of things:  They deserve the abuse, that no one else will have them, they have no other place to go, or that things will get better if they can just work it out. Many victims stay simply in fear of being retaliated against if they decided to leave.

Often times, abusers will have manipulated all of the power and resources away from their victim, adding to the feeling helplessness. They start to think that they need to be with their abuser because they have no way of living and supporting themselves otherwise.

It is very important for a victim of abuse to have a strong support system through trusted family and close friends. This circle of supporters will need to actively encourage the victim to seek a better life and offer ideas about what options they have as far as therapy and safe places to go. This is often the victim’s best bet in successfully separating from the abusive partner since they themselves often won’t have the confidence or willpower to leave on their own.

It is essential for a victim’s support circle to remain non-judgmental, patient, and persistent in helping them find a way out of the relationship and back to emotional and physical strength.

For more information, pick up a copy of The Battered Woman Syndrome by Lenore E. A. Walker.

Online Dating – How Should A Girl Avoid The Hookup Guys?

Yesterday, I woke up in the late a.m. and looked at my phone. I received a text from my friend. “I’m going to stop meeting guys online. They’re pissing me off.” I asked her what they were doing to piss her off. She then told me about yet another guy who was sending her unsolicited and graphic  images.

Not only that, she has told me stories of guys online that she has talked to who just act like jerks. It’s been hard for her to find a guy who is actually interested in dating or a possible relationship. Most of them just want to share dirty photos and videos and then maybe get laid at some point. She’s not about that.

I have done the online dating thing years ago in the early 00′s. I remember getting hit up by lots of idiots with bad opening lines and obvious trying hard to get laid material. I just ignored them most of the time. I did have some luck in meeting a couple of really great guys. Surprisingly, there were actually a decent number of guys who were legit and looking for dating or a relationship. But that was then. Now, things are different with all of these trendy sites and apps that everyone in town is using, and it’s hard for a girl looking for a relationship to find a guy that wants the same thing.

Since it’s been so long since I have been in the online dating scene, I am a little clueless on the subject of how to go about weeding out the guys that just want to hookup. Or is it hopeless?

Ladies, if you have any experience with successfully finding the right type of guy online, share your tips and stories. Guy’s opinions are welcome too. 

Just Another INTJ

As someone who has always been interested in psychology, I enjoy taking personality tests, everything from Myers-Briggs to those silly quizzes on Buzzfeed. I took the Myers-Briggs again today, just to see if my results have changed. I’m still an INTJ.

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I have taken the test many times over the past several years. My INs are always strong – the last two I have had different combos on in the past, but in the last few years I have consistently scored as INTJ. Reading the profile and  descriptions of my type, I’d say it’s definitely the most accurate in describing my personality.

INTJ descriptions that are most true for me:

“As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.”

“With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. “

“INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren’t working well. They are the supreme strategists – always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.”

” INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy)”

“INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities”

“INTJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability, which to perceptive types may seem limiting”

intj_header

Positive Traits:

  • Not threatened by conflict or criticism
  • Typically confident and self assured
  • Takes relationships and commitments seriously
  • Good listeners
  • Tremendously insightful

Negative Traits: 

  • Can be know-it-alls, believing they are always right
  • Tendency to hold back a part of themselves
  • May appear aloof, reserved and rigid to others who don’t know them well
  • Because of the non-linear nature of their ideas, they often have difficulty explaining themselves to others
  • Continual quest to improve everything can be strenuous on personal relationships

You can take the test here.


Sources: 1, 2, 3

How To Be A Shitty Facebook User

The title says it all. And here we go.

1. Fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend publicly through statuses and comments. Every time you have an argument, post about it. Your more bored friends might be sitting there with a bowl of popcorn while hitting the refresh button for the first time or two, then they will start deleting you. But they are just haters that your life is a reality show.

2. Make vague statuses  and get mad when someone asks you what’s going on. After all, they are prying into your personal life.  “One of these days that bitch will get what she deserves.” But never reveal who it’s about.

3. Change your profile picture every couple of days, and make sure you are switching back and forth between the same two photos. Nothing says, “Hey I’m still here, see?!” than constant profile picture changes.

4. Change your relationship status every couple of weeks. The facebook world needs to be informed about your love life and who you are  fake-married to.

5. Claim you are going to delete your facebook when you never actually do. When you are bored with life, write “I’m gonna delete this thing, I mean it this time!” Your fans are anxiously awaiting to see what you will do next.

6. Keep deactivating and reactivating your account or making new accounts repeatedly. People are confused by this. You know it and you love it. It makes you mysterious.

7. Post a ridiculous amount of lovey dovey posts about your boyfriend or girlfriend. You are in love, and you want to shove it in everyone’s faces. Just make sure you tag them in all those mushy love quotes. People love seeing a dozen of those in a row.

8. Post a selfie every day. You must keep your photos in everyone’s news feed daily. Besides, you might look a little bit different than you did yesterday and you want to show off your new hat.

9. Sync every one of your twitter, instagram, and pinterest posts to your facebook. Because our lives wouldn’t be complete without 60 updates from you every day about what is also going on with all your other accounts.

10. Constantly bait for sympathy. “Omg everyone listen about this terrible yet completely common thing that happened to me today. So upsetting. Now I want every single one of my friends to comment for support.”

11. Show off your baby. You know your baby is the cutest in the world, and it’s high time everyone else know it too. Post at least 10 photos of them crawling around on the floor every day.

12. Post poorly edited photos. Go crazy with the blur tool and the eye color changer. You are a photoshop pro, flaunt it!

How do people annoy you on facebook? 

The Campaign To “Ban Bossy”

As some of you may have already heard, Sheryl Sandberg has launched a new campaign to empower girls and young women to become leaders. She has teamed up with other political figures and celebrities, Condoleezza Rice, Jane Lynch, and Beyonce to release a PSA called “Ban Bossy.”

In addition to encouraging girls to become leaders in their community, a goal for the campaign is to ban the word “bossy” from mainstream vocabulary in an effort to remove the negative connotations associated with girls and women who take charge in any given situation. Sheryl says that the term “bossy” is a loaded word that intimidates young girls away from speaking their minds and taking on roles of leadership.

This has been circulated all over internet and conversations have of course already begun. I have read all sorts of reactions about the campaign from people being all for it to others who think it’s just ridiculous. Honestly, I can see both sides of this issue.

For one, I love the idea that powerful men and women are behind the idea that girls and women should be just as encouraged to pursue leadership roles as anything else. There is undoubtedly a lack of interest from girls to take on certain positions because they have been culturally trained to think that their place is in other areas where they are quiet and following the lead of someone else.

I also love the idea that they are raising awareness about the stereotype that women are placed into if they do dare to take the lead of any group of people, and that stereotype being that they are too aggressive and pushy in their role. There is no doubt that a man can lead in a certain way and he is seen as assertive, while the woman can do the exact same thing as the man, but she will be somehow be criticized or put down for it. Examples of this are all over the place and it’s great that someone is finally recognizing it and bringing it to public attention.

So all of these goals are good, but I’m just not sure banning a word is the kind of approach I would take. I don’t even think we can actually put a  ban  on a word such as “bossy,” but even if we could, let’s face it…. people would still use it just to be assholes. They would see it as an even larger shaming tool than it has been already and they would use it whenever the opportunity came around.  I even start to wonder how far should we be letting words offend us anyway. Yes, it’s shitty that people judge and use words to put down others, but there comes a point when we must realize that we can’t stop them from thinking the things they think and saying the  things they say. I wonder if we would be better off  just brushing it off and keep doing whatever we want to do, instead of trying to silence their words. We give up our power the second we let someone get to us with their words.

Instead of banning the word “bossy”, let’s think about what would encourage people in general to see women in power as a positive thing.

I would also like to challenge their idea of leadership. When I think of women as leaders, I think of them leading in all sorts of areas of life, at any age, and at all different levels. They can be leaders at school, at their jobs, in the home, in their families, in their local communities, etc… not just in the corporate career world.

What do you think about the campaign and how they are going about their efforts?

10 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming A Freelance Writer

Carrie-with-her-Mac.-001

It’s been seven months since I have thrown myself into being a part time freelance writer. As I have mentioned before, I have accepted compensation for my writing on and off for a few years, but it wasn’t until back in August that I decided to cut down on hours at my day job and replace it  with freelance writing, having to partially rely on it for my living expenses. In that time,  there are quite a few things I have learned.

1. It’s necessary to create boundaries. You have to know what kind of work you are willing to do and not willing to do. You don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with. You are the one calling the shots. Yes, your clients are pretty much like your bosses, but you get to choose your clients.

2. It is possible to make a living on freelance writing, but it might not be easy. You will probably need to start small by doing smaller projects for lower amounts of money until you can build a strong reputation. There’s a little more to it than waking up one day and deciding you will quit your day job and become a writer.

3. Self discipline is a must. This has been the hardest thing for me. I sit here at my laptop and think, “I have to get that article done today,” but there are so many distractions and no one around to really crack the whip to make me get started on something. You have to motivate yourself.

4. It’s competitive. There are a lot of writers out there that are competing for all the same jobs. It’s best to not only be a qualified and skilled writer, you should also be unique  in some way and let your potential clients know that you can bring something special to the table.

5. You can always improve. No one is a perfect writer. There is always room for learning and improvement. It’s important to not let your success go to your head to the point where you think you can stop learning new things.

6.  There are good clients, and bad clients. Many of them will be good and you will want to work with again. Some of them can be just as unprofessional as anyone else. Choose your clients wisely so it will be a positive and successful experience.

7. Communication is very important. It is essential for both you and your clients to communicate well and often about what needs to be done. As a writer, you should be asking them questions specific to what they need to have done. When you turn in your work, ask them to give you feedback or to let you know if it needs another edit. Be clear and concise on everything.

8. Be serious about it. To make any kind of living with freelance writing, it’s necessary to be serious. Treat it like you would any other job. Don’t think that you can slack on deadlines or turning in good work. It’s a commitment and it takes dedication. Your reputation depends on how seriously you are taking this job.

9. You have to know how to sell yourself. In your worker’s profile, you have to write up a strong advertisement about your work. Whatever knowledge and skills you have, put them down and make sure your potential clients know who you are and what you are about. The best way this is done is to put  yourself in your client’s shoes and ask yourself what kind of person you would hire, and then be that person.

10. You have to know how to take criticism and rejection. Everyone will get rejected on proposals, even the best writers. Don’t worry about that and keep on going. Make sure you are always putting your best foot forward and you will have success. You will also receive criticism, but instead of feeling offended, use the information as a tool to become better. Anyone who gives you criticism is doing you a favor.

There are probably several more things I have learned about the last several months, but those are probably the most significant ones. I still wish I had gotten into freelance writing sooner. It would have saved me a few headaches, but at least this is where I am now.

A Confession Post

I decided a lighter topic is more appropriate for the weekend, so here are a few of my random silly confessions.

I’ve been dying my hair since I was in middle school. My mom has always dyed her hair too, and she finally let me start doing it when I was about 13. My natural color is a very dark brown but I really like experimenting with different colors and shades.

I’m kind of a junk food junkie. I have quite the sweet tooth.  I’m not terribly bad but I have to have some kind of snack or treat in between meals. It’s usually M&Ms or anything else chocolate or white chocolate,  cookies, brownies, or ice cream. At least one of those every day.

I have a list of hate-read blogs that I follow. Well, maybe more like amuse-read. These tend to be blogs where they judge and complain about what everyone else is doing wrong in their lives and how they are right and everyone else is wrong. It’s like watching a wreck, you know you shouldn’t but you just can’t look away.

I become bashful whenever someone I know mentions my blog. I don’t know why. I decided a long time ago that I want a public blog and I don’t care if anyone from my mom to my boss reads it, so I know people have seen it, but it’s just funny when people want to talk about it.

My teen celebrity crushes were JTT, Taylor Hanson, and Devon Sawa from Casper. I had my entire walls covered in posters of them from Teen Beat and Bop magazine. I was such a fan-girl. I pretty much thought any guy with a baby face and longer hair was hot back then.

I purposely ignore men who cat-call and try to get attention by reving their engines as they drive by.  Why do they even do this? It’s not impressive. Not only is it incredibly awkward, but I won’t give them my attention if they can’t properly approach me.

I have a fixation on femme-fatale movies, or psychological thrillers. The Crush, Posion Ivy, Basic Instinct, American Psycho, etc.  Any movie where there is some seductive and obsessed deadly stalker running around, I will want to see. I know some are cheesy, but still I love them.

Have a great weekend!

Ladies, Stop Trying To Change Him

The other day, I came across a quote:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
 Albert Einstein

I would be lying if I said I felt that there isn’t any truth to that idea. Generally speaking, it seems this is what happens in many different relationships. I want to focus in on the women here.

Women are always trying to change their guy. When they first meet him, they see him as this great looking, sweet guy, with a great personality, good sense of humor, and  a lot of potential.  They aren’t thinking too much about any flaws at this point because they don’t yet see any or they don’t think about how it’s going to affect the relationship. A few months later, they start to notice his patterns along with any annoying quirks or bad habits he has. This is when they start to wonder to themselves, “How can I influence him to change these things I don’t like?”

The problem with this is that women don’t seem to understand the difference between changeable characteristics in a man and the things that aren’t likely to change very much, if at all. Everyone knows that relationships take effort and sacrifice, and sometimes that means that both partners will have to make some small changes and adjustments. It all depends on the problem and how large of an issue it is.

For example, getting your guy to start picking up his clothes around the house  is something that can be worked out. However, if he is lazy in all other aspects of his life and it’s putting a strain on your relationship, it becomes a different story. It’s going to be much more difficult to inspire a change in him because at that point it’s not just one little annoying habit, it’s  his choice of lifestyle. You have to understand the difference between what’s going on in the sentence, “I’m annoyed because my guy tends to leave his clothes laying around the house,”  and this sentence: “I’m annoyed because he’s been jobless for 8 months, won’t actively seek work, and I’m doing all the giving in the relationship and he’s doing all of the taking.” One is fixable and one is probably not.

So what is a girl to do?

Lower her standards? No, that’s not what I’m saying.

The mistake I see women making is that they wait until it’s too late to start putting demands on a guy. They are also moving way too fast when they meet someone. They are willing to take in whatever schmuck they find attractive and is willing to give them the kind of attention they want, and they jump into a serious relationship with him right away. A couple months later, when they are already making commitments, she realizes, “Oh shit, he’s lazy, and he does this and that and I can’t stand it.”

These women are being too picky while in a relationship, and not being picky enough before they choose a relationship. So many women’s problems with men could be eliminated if they took more time to choose the overall best of the men within the pool of interested candidates, instead of automatically choosing the one that’s the cutest or the one that seems more attentive. They could also eliminate some more of those problems, or spot them before it’s too late if they slowed down and made more time for getting to know each other before they decided to make any kind of commitments.

This can be very hard for women who are serial monogamists to actually follow through with because although they have had a few boyfriends, they still don’t know how to date. They want to move the guy right in and deal with all his bad habits later because they think they can get the guy to change everything they don’t like about him. This is very unwise and will lead to a disappointing relationship and probably an ugly breakup.

When it comes to men who have bad lifestyle habits, they aren’t likely going to change for you. If they do, they will only do it because they want to, not because you want them to. You can’t force him, and you really don’t want to have a man that you have to force to be a certain way anyway, do you? You want a guy to be a great guy because that’s how he is and how he wants to be, not because he was forced or bullied by you into being that way.

When you are single and looking, take your time. Get to know him for a little while. Don’t jump into something you will later regret. You don’t want to be that woman who is constantly being disappointed and stressed about the relationship because there’s a list of things about him you are trying to change. Don’t put yourself or him through that. Avoid all that mess and choose a guy that’s better for you from the beginning.

12 Signs He’s A Man-Child

In the world of dating, most women know how to spot men who are players and jerks. However, what they might be overlooking are the warning signs of another phenomenon that can be just as toxic to a woman in a relationship: The man-child. For those of you who don’t know, a man-child is a man of adult age that is extremely immature and usually delays duties and responsibilities of being a grown up. So how do you know if you are getting involved with one?

You might be dealing with a man-child if:

1. He has a sophomoric sense of humor: Name calling, offensive jokes, sarcasm, pranks, and witty one liners are often used. He might call other types of humor stupid and not funny.

2. He has an unhealthy obsession with video or computer games. This guy has turned gaming  into a lifestyle in which he usually spends a good portion of the day and night being consumed by.

3. He uses lots of slang terms: Dafuq. She wants the D. That’s what she said. Epic fail.  Because + noun/verb/adj.  Whatever teens and early 20 somethings are saying, he’s probably saying it too.

4. He mostly wears offensive or graphic tees. These are usually just basic t-shirts displaying characters from Adult Swim, video games, superheros, and also shirts  with sayings of something offensive or sarcastic.

5. He is still financially dependent. He might still live at home for the convenience. If not, he likely lives beyond his means and usually calls for help when it comes to paying rent and utilities.

6. He has a messy apartment. The man-child doesn’t like the effort it takes to keep a tidy living space, so you can pretty much bet that it will be a disaster area. He might do a quick clean if a girl is coming over.

6. He  has no career or plans. He might have some ambitions, but won’t likely follow them through. He probably didn’t finish college so he settles for minimum wage jobs.

7. He hates dressing up. Wherever there is a wedding, a funeral, or some other formal event where anything more than casual dress is required, the dread will be written all over his face.

8. He eats like crap. Pizza, potato chips, snacks, and take out are the essentials. He might already be working on that manly beer belly.

9. He won’t commit. He is not about to let himself to get tied down with a wife or children. But if you are his girlfriend, he might start trying to get you to take on the role of his mom, but with benefits.

10. He throws temper tantrums.  Any time the man-child doesn’t get his way, you will know because he will become irrationally angry. He might even throw or break things.

11. He’s an excessive partier. To him, weekends still = party time. House parties, bars, clubs, strip joints. He gets wasted beyond control.  He might settle for staying in a weekend if there’s a new game he bought.

12. He doesn’t have intellectual conversations. He has little or no interest in politics, current events, or social issues.  Any people, places, or things that doesn’t directly affect him, he won’t have much to say about.

Granted, we can all have a little bit of immature behavior at times and still be grown ups, but beware if your guy consistently checks off on several of the more serious ones.  Unless you like having a boyfriend that is also like having a teenage son, you are in for more hassle than what it’s worth.