Ladies, Stop Trying To Change Him

The other day, I came across a quote:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
 Albert Einstein

I would be lying if I said I felt that there isn’t any truth to that idea. Generally speaking, it seems this is what happens in many different relationships. I want to focus in on the women here.

Women are always trying to change their guy. When they first meet him, they see him as this great looking, sweet guy, with a great personality, good sense of humor, and  a lot of potential.  They aren’t thinking too much about any flaws at this point because they don’t yet see any or they don’t think about how it’s going to affect the relationship. A few months later, they start to notice his patterns along with any annoying quirks or bad habits he has. This is when they start to wonder to themselves, “How can I influence him to change these things I don’t like?”

The problem with this is that women don’t seem to understand the difference between changeable characteristics in a man and the things that aren’t likely to change very much, if at all. Everyone knows that relationships take effort and sacrifice, and sometimes that means that both partners will have to make some small changes and adjustments. It all depends on the problem and how large of an issue it is.

For example, getting your guy to start picking up his clothes around the house  is something that can be worked out. However, if he is lazy in all other aspects of his life and it’s putting a strain on your relationship, it becomes a different story. It’s going to be much more difficult to inspire a change in him because at that point it’s not just one little annoying habit, it’s  his choice of lifestyle. You have to understand the difference between what’s going on in the sentence, “I’m annoyed because my guy tends to leave his clothes laying around the house,”  and this sentence: “I’m annoyed because he’s been jobless for 8 months, won’t actively seek work, and I’m doing all the giving in the relationship and he’s doing all of the taking.” One is fixable and one is probably not.

So what is a girl to do?

Lower her standards? No, that’s not what I’m saying.

The mistake I see women making is that they wait until it’s too late to start putting demands on a guy. They are also moving way too fast when they meet someone. They are willing to take in whatever schmuck they find attractive and is willing to give them the kind of attention they want, and they jump into a serious relationship with him right away. A couple months later, when they are already making commitments, she realizes, “Oh shit, he’s lazy, and he does this and that and I can’t stand it.”

These women are being too picky while in a relationship, and not being picky enough before they choose a relationship. So many women’s problems with men could be eliminated if they took more time to choose the overall best of the men within the pool of interested candidates, instead of automatically choosing the one that’s the cutest or the one that seems more attentive. They could also eliminate some more of those problems, or spot them before it’s too late if they slowed down and made more time for getting to know each other before they decided to make any kind of commitments.

This can be very hard for women who are serial monogamists to actually follow through with because although they have had a few boyfriends, they still don’t know how to date. They want to move the guy right in and deal with all his bad habits later because they think they can get the guy to change everything they don’t like about him. This is very unwise and will lead to a disappointing relationship and probably an ugly breakup.

When it comes to men who have bad lifestyle habits, they aren’t likely going to change for you. If they do, they will only do it because they want to, not because you want them to. You can’t force him, and you really don’t want to have a man that you have to force to be a certain way anyway, do you? You want a guy to be a great guy because that’s how he is and how he wants to be, not because he was forced or bullied by you into being that way.

When you are single and looking, take your time. Get to know him for a little while. Don’t jump into something you will later regret. You don’t want to be that woman who is constantly being disappointed and stressed about the relationship because there’s a list of things about him you are trying to change. Don’t put yourself or him through that. Avoid all that mess and choose a guy that’s better for you from the beginning.

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5 thoughts on “Ladies, Stop Trying To Change Him

  1. I needed to hear this today, Ashley, thank you. I’m also a serial monogamist and it’s just tough to be alone. Especially when it’s cold outside, for some reason! It’s hard to hold out for the right guy and it’s hard to have faith that guy is out there. Sometimes I worry that I’m being too picky. But, I see other women in my life who HAVE the right guy. At least it looks like they do, and I wonder where my ‘right guy’ is? Is there really a perfect match out there for everyone or do most people just have to settle? It’s just hard when you are putting effort into finding the right man but he does not seem to exist.

  2. Good post! Marriage is actually a bit of a paradox. Neither person should try to change the other…but you will both be completely changed. The compromises, adjustments, that must be made just to live with someone will change you. Love will transform you. I don’t mean to pick on girls, but I think a lot of our relationship problems stem from the fact that we get married….and refuse to change. We’re usually trying to change husbands thinking that will make the marriage work.

  3. Dating tends to be a time when people conceal information that marriage will inevitably reveal. This is one reason why we need to guard our hearts and use our brains. Let your head lead your heart

    Do not give your heart to anyone until your head has processed the necessary data to tell you that you are making a wise decision. If you give your heart to a bad relationship, it will be very difficult to talk your head out of it.

    Someone once recommended that we should focus on becoming the person that the person we’re looking for is looking for. Start by becoming the person that your future spouse needs. This will more likely lead you to attract and be attracted to the right kind of person. http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2014/01/29/dating-and-relationship-advice/

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