How To Be A Shitty Facebook User

The title says it all. And here we go.

1. Fight with your boyfriend or girlfriend publicly through statuses and comments. Every time you have an argument, post about it. Your more bored friends might be sitting there with a bowl of popcorn while hitting the refresh button for the first time or two, then they will start deleting you. But they are just haters that your life is a reality show.

2. Make vague statuses  and get mad when someone asks you what’s going on. After all, they are prying into your personal life.  “One of these days that bitch will get what she deserves.” But never reveal who it’s about.

3. Change your profile picture every couple of days, and make sure you are switching back and forth between the same two photos. Nothing says, “Hey I’m still here, see?!” than constant profile picture changes.

4. Change your relationship status every couple of weeks. The facebook world needs to be informed about your love life and who you are  fake-married to.

5. Claim you are going to delete your facebook when you never actually do. When you are bored with life, write “I’m gonna delete this thing, I mean it this time!” Your fans are anxiously awaiting to see what you will do next.

6. Keep deactivating and reactivating your account or making new accounts repeatedly. People are confused by this. You know it and you love it. It makes you mysterious.

7. Post a ridiculous amount of lovey dovey posts about your boyfriend or girlfriend. You are in love, and you want to shove it in everyone’s faces. Just make sure you tag them in all those mushy love quotes. People love seeing a dozen of those in a row.

8. Post a selfie every day. You must keep your photos in everyone’s news feed daily. Besides, you might look a little bit different than you did yesterday and you want to show off your new hat.

9. Sync every one of your twitter, instagram, and pinterest posts to your facebook. Because our lives wouldn’t be complete without 60 updates from you every day about what is also going on with all your other accounts.

10. Constantly bait for sympathy. “Omg everyone listen about this terrible yet completely common thing that happened to me today. So upsetting. Now I want every single one of my friends to comment for support.”

11. Show off your baby. You know your baby is the cutest in the world, and it’s high time everyone else know it too. Post at least 10 photos of them crawling around on the floor every day.

12. Post poorly edited photos. Go crazy with the blur tool and the eye color changer. You are a photoshop pro, flaunt it!

How do people annoy you on facebook? 

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16 thoughts on “How To Be A Shitty Facebook User

  1. These are great. I hate when people do all of these. I may have been guilty of a couple at one time, but let’s not talk about that.

  2. LOL!!!

    #7 – I confess I have a few of these people for Facebook friends. And I would unfriend them if I didn’t know what they had been through. But because I know where they’ve been, I’m happy that they’re happy and I just kinda tolerate all the schmoopy talk. I asked my husband once if he would consider being one of “those couples” with me for a week, just for the entertainment value. He looked at me as if I had grown a third head. (I assume that was meant to be a “no.”)

  3. I can’t stand people on facebook half the time either. I wouldn’t use it if it wasn’t the main way that I keep up with certain people and use it for business related activity. You should do a post like this for other social networks.

  4. LOL! That was too funny. I think you just about covered everything that annoys me! There’s one person I know that is #8 all the freakin’ time! Why? I ask myself what is the purpose. You still look the same and there’s no obvious reason for the pic other than you just think you still look good AGAIN for the umpteenth time. It makes you look conceited when you do it THAT much. Let it rest a little while before you put another one up. Geez.

  5. Great list, Ashley. My only addition to it would be: overposting. People who post too frequently crowd out good posts from people who actually have something interesting to say. Plus, they make me feel sad that they don’t have worthwhile things to do with their time.

    I see Facebook a little like I do drinking. OK in small doses. Messed up in big doses.

  6. 13.) Make a post on facebook asking people to pray for your sick family member/friend/plant/spirit animal/commodore 64.

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