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Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

Sep29

This week marks the 20th anniversary of Nirvana’s second studio album called Nevermind. Yes, you heard right. 20 years ago.

I was a teen in the late 90s. I didn’t even discover who Nirvana was until…1996 I think. I was kind of a sheltered kid, growing up listening mostly to pop and R&B music, so I had never heard of them until I turned on the radio that was playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. That song and the Nevermind album changed rock music and it changed my adolescence. More actually, it possibly was the thing that jumpstarted by adolescence.  I heard their songs on the radio. Loved it, had to have it. I went out and bought Nevermind and listened and fell in love. Not long after I bought the CD, I discovered it went missing from my CD collection. Curiously  I started searching the house for it and I found it underneath my mom’s car seat a few days  later. I took it back and confronted her about why she confiscated it.  She told me she didn’t like me listening to angry music by a guy who was a drug addict and suicide case. I couldn’t blame her, actually. I mean I was only like 13. I told her that I didn’t care about all that he did and how I just liked the sound of their music, which was true. She kinda nodded her head in slight understanding while I returned the CD to my collection.

You know a lot of people argue that Nirvana only became so popular because of Kurt’s tragedy. I don’t necessarily think this is true. I think this band still would have been legendary if he was still alive and they were still together. There was something different and unique about them, and to this day I can’t really think of any other band quite like them. This album still remains such a prominent staple of my teen years and I hate it to think of how crappy most of the popular rock bands of today are. When are we going to have another great band to change rock history? I’m still waiting.

What music album or song is most memorable to you from your past? 

What is home to me?

Sep27

Yesterday’s topic on The Daily Post was this:

What does “home” mean to you? How would describe what it feels like to feel “at home”? It may be something specific about the physical details of where you’d like to live, or it could be more about how you feel when you are in the right place.

I found this topic particularly fitting for me right now, as I am about to move to another place I want to call home.

Having been through so many moves in my life, for reasons of all kind, reasons for good, bad, and the down right ugly… I have collected some specific thoughts and ideas as to what I consider a home.

To me, a home is a place of solace and peace.

A place where I feel free to do as I please.

A place where I approve of who enters or stays and any roommates have stable income and help financially with rent and bills so I won’t have to worry if we are going to make rent because someone else isn’t pulling their own weight.

Where any roommates are nothing but responsible, trustworthy friends that I can get along with and live with without many conflicts.

My home is easily kept clean.

My home is quiet most of the time.

A place that is safe from thieves, drug dealers, and people I don’t trust in general.

A place where my cat can run around if he pleases.

A place where when something breaks, I can call the landlord and they will come out and fix it in a reasonable time.

My home is free from noisy neighbors.

A place that is away from neighborhood crime, or safe enough to where I can walk down the street without having to worry about my safety.

A place where visitors respect our boundaries and don’t overstay their welcome, eat our food without permission, or dirty up our place without picking up after themselves before they leave.

A place where I have enough space for myself and my belongings.

A place where there aren’t so many people living with me that I feel like I am in their way or like they are in mine.

A place where I am neither treated like a child or have to act as a mother.

A place where I can come home to and know what to expect.

Those are probably the important ones.

What is your ideal type of home environment? 

Distractions Everywhere

Aug26

I am pretty frustrated with myself as of lately. There is all this stuff in my head that I have been thinking about, trying to keep track of and organized, and to work on accomplishing, but I can’t seem to get anything done. I never wanted to identify myself as a procrastinator, but when I think about it, that is pretty much what I am. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. I have the drive and determination, but something always stops me. Then it hits me. I don’t get anything done that I want to because I get stopped by distractions. Now this is not to say that it’s any one’s fault. There are just a lot of distractions in my home. I think to myself, “Ok I’m going to write some articles.” I get online and then it’s immediately, “Oh I think I will check my email first. And then this, and then that. Oh crap, I forgot about the articles. Ok going to do that now.” Repeat. The next thing I know, 3 hours has went by.

I feel like if I locked myself in a room with nothing in front of me besides one thing at a time, and nothing else to do besides that one thing, then I would definitely get it done, but with all this other stuff around me that I have such easy access to, how do I stay focused?

Does anyone else have this problem? If you do, how do you overcome it? Please I need some help here!

New Volunteering Job

Jul27

For a few months I have been thinking about taking on a new volunteering project. Last year and the year before that, I volunteered at the hospital in patient transporting. It was fun while I worked there and I enjoyed helping and talking to patients, staff, and other volunteers. Over the past year, I have decided that I want to keep taking on new volunteer work in areas of interest. I am happy to announce that I have found one that I am really excited to get started in. I signed up to be a caseworker for A Better Way Services here in Muncie, which is primarily a women’s shelter and domestic crisis center. I have heard about this place through the years but I didn’t investigate too much into it until recently. I had my interview last week and signed some paperwork. I will start my training after the 12th which is when I get back into town from visiting my mom. I’m not sure exactly what I will be doing but it sounds like a little bit of everything, probably taking crisis calls and visiting with the intakes and most likely other things too.

Here’s the thing, I chose to do this particularly because the issue of domestic violence is extremely important to me. I have never been abused by or been physically violent with a partner, but I will say that I have close family members who have been, which affected me and my family greatly. It goes as far back as I literally can remember, I would say about age 3, and it has been prominent on and off pretty much ever since. Let me also point out that alcohol was almost always present during these violent times. I don’t remember any time when it wasn’t. Things were fine when no one was drinking.

Throughout my young childhood all the way into recent adulthood, I went through a great deal of emotional anguish, and a whole lot of fear for the well being of my family. I would spend many sleepless, tearful nights wondering if anyone was going to be hurt, or even killed, what would happen to me and my sisters, and when this all would stop. I lost friends due to this. At 7 years old, I would literally jump in the middle to try to stop the fights and calm them down. Sometimes it helped, sometimes not. I wasn’t afraid for myself, I was more afraid for them. It was very rough and stressful for me at times. I wouldn’t wish for any family to go through this, and I vowed to never get into a relationship that turned violent. I never want any child of mine going through that.

So this subject is very personal to me, but I want to talk about it as a way to raise awareness and to help. This is not to “out” anyone. I love every single member of my family and they all love me. Maybe I will go into further detail about it when things progress, but I also want to respect the privacy of my family. I chose this because I want to take something that was negative throughout my life and turn it into something positive. I want to be able to help people who are in physically and mentally abusive relationships that want the help, and also the children involved. I have been following some blogs on domestic violence and doing a bit of research because I want to learn as much as I can and get involved within my own community and then maybe take it further even. I feel like I was meant to do this and I want this issue to be my main personal platform from here on out. I am committing myself to to this cause 100%. Any suggestions as far as reading material or actions I could take would be very appreciated. I will be following up on how my work goes when I start my training. Wish me luck!

Choices & Decisions

Jun12

“Modern women have been told that we can be anything we want -
an astronaut, the head of an Internet company, a stay-at-home mom.
There aren’t any rules. Choices are endless.
And apparently, they can all be delivered to your door.
Is it possible that we’ve gotten so spoiled by choices
that we’ve become unable to make one?
That we know that once you choose something,
one man, one great apartment, one amazing job,
another option goes away?
Are we a generation who can’t choose just one from column ‘A’?
Did we have too much to handle, or was Samantha right?
can we have it all?”

From Sex and The City – “All or Nothing.” I can relate to this quote so much. I am terrible with making decisions when I have a choice between something or another. Always have been. I’m talking choices from big to small. I am afraid of making a bad choice, a wrong choice, or a choice that I can’t undo. I’ll avoiding making the decision until the decision is made for me, maybe because that way I won’t feel at fault if I later don’t like what the outcome is. Truthfully when I can’t come to a decision on 2 or more things, it is because a part of me wants both, or all. Like right now, I have no idea where I want to live the rest of my life. I hate Indiana for the most part, but I would still be sad to leave because I have friends and family here.  I feel like I need to stay here to help take care of my mom. I think about moving back to South Carolina, but when? I want to explore other places too.  When exactly do I want to move, have kids? What part time job do I want to have until I want to get through school? Hell, what school do I want to finish at anyway? Plus many other things. I wish just one or the other could make me happy, but it’s just not working out that way. I feel like if I can’t have it all, then I don’t know what I want. I need to figure out a way to be happy with one decision and learn how to confidently make it without freaking out about the other option.

To My Mom

May9

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and since I was pretty busy all day yesterday, I am going to post today in honor of the woman who brought me into the world.

I found the picture above randomly on someone elses blog, and I was immediately reminded of some of the first memories of my life, me and mom being on the beach having fun. That was totally us in this photo. She wore a black and red polka dot swim suit I think. She would lay out in the sun and I would be playing in the sand and water.  I can remember this like it was yesterday. Those were the most carefree moments I can recall and I still hold those memories close to my heart.

My mom is truly amazing. She’s been through a lot in her life, many things I know for sure because I was there and I remember back to around age 3. I personally have seen her pull through so many struggles, emotional (and physical) times. Just going from what I have seen her go through, it’s enough to take anyone down a few notches, and I’m not even talking about everything she has told me that she went through before I was born. And it took a toll on her and I understand her way of dealing with certain things. In fact, I feel like I am one of the few people who actually truly understands, since I am old enough to remember a lot of things that happened over the course of several years during my child and teenagehood. A lot of people wouldn’t have been able to handle what this woman has experienced. She’s going through a very challenging and most feared time right now with her current significant other that I couldn’t even imagine. I know she will pull through this as well. She’s the strongest person I know and she is the reason why I do not complain when life throws a pile of crap at me. My mom can handle pretty much anything and I aspire to be like that too.

Times have been rough off and on ever since I can remember, but because of that I quickly came to realize a lot about life early on, things that most teenagers don’t learn until they themselves go through it. I grew a completely new pair of eyes and perspective on life at around the age of 16 and I’m glad that I did because I feel like I wouldn’t be the same kind of person that I am now. I thank my mom for a lot of it, even when she wasn’t trying to teach me anything, I continued to learn from observing. I suddenly just “got it.” I didn’t want to judge and I didn’t want to hold a grudge. Life is too short for all that. But  that aside, I really did understand her and why things happened the way they did, and although there were some unfortunate situations and things I wish that could have turned out differently, I don’t blame my mom at all. She has always had the best interests of her kids at heart and I know that for a fact. I know she would give her life for any of us because I can feel it. I know she’s always thinking of us. She always put effort into making us feel loved with phonecalls, cards she makes us on birthdays, visits when she can, etc. Not to mention everything she has done for us when we were growing up. I remember all of that as well. She never stops loving us. 

 I don’t remember the last time I had an argument with her. It must have been over 10 years ago, even though she has lived 3 hours away for those past 10 years, her and I still remain pretty close emotionally and good friends. Now as an adult, I want to help her in any way I can. I hope that one day we can live close to each other again. She’ll always be my mom, but now she’s also my best friend.

Mom, I love you and I will always be the wind beneath your wings.

More Than Words

Mar29

 

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

MAX Interview

Mar24

Yesterday was my radio debut as I was interviewed on 93.5 MAX by DJ Zack Attack. It was basically just a chat session in between songs and he asked me some questions about being in their calendar.

I wanted the chat to be recorded to I could have my family that are not in the listening area to be able to hear it, so he recorded the parts where we talked. He said he forgot to his record for a segment and I think it was the one where I introduced a song, Working For The Weekend, yes the one from the Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze SNL skit, that was only a couple seconds long but this was the majority of the interview. I put it on youtube!

I must admit it was a little nerve warcking and you can probably tell haha but I pushed through it and nervousness aside, it was a new and fun experience. I spent the time during the songs pretty much interviewing him about what it’s like to be a DJ. It seems like so much fun.

Ashley Pariseau & Zack Attack

Me and Zack Attack after the interview.

This and That

Jan31

Feeling much better now. I missed 2 days of work. Yeah I take off work when I am sick and somehow I feel like people wish I felt guilty for it, like it’s some sort of crime. And then when people come to work damn near on their death bed and talk about how they came in despite being sick, and it’s like they want to be seen as some hero. No it’s pretty dumb if you ask me. I’m glad I stayed home because if I went in I know I would have just ended up in the bathroom the whole time anyways. My boss asked me if I was pregnant today. I wish I could have seen the look on my face.

Monster Jam was pretty cool. I have never been to anything like that before so it was a new experience. Got pit passes and hung out at Lucas Stadium pretty much all day. Tons of pics to be added to the flickr later.

I probably got 20 mins of sleep last night. I layed down at 8:30 and just layed there for hours, thinking about everything that a person can think of. This is my problem, I can’t get my mind to shut down for sleep very easily, not unless I am super tired. I envy the people that can fall asleep within 30 minutes. At least I catch up when I get off work, for the most part.